My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
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My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Blew my mind.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.