[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Guantanamo Bae
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*