My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Don’t tell me what to do
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower