INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
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wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Is fake venison called venisn’t
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese