Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Time for evil
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
No chill.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*