Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
early stone age tool
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.