This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!