*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
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Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Chicken bread
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.