I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
car not found
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
The first one, obviously
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*