*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
B
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
#Caturday
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.