It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
he chose this
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.