Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold