Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
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dream blunt rotation
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Look at this
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.