A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.