Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Breaking news:
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”