“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
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Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine