fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate