Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Should I call tech support or pray or what
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
So sick of all these stupid rules
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
How it started: How it’s going:
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.