My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
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Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
San Francisco has too many rules
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.