Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
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If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.