Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Flock of bats
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house