[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.