Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.