Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
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Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped