I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake