In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
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The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh