Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job