“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
December birthdays be like…
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.