Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.