[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go