If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*