I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
You Might Also Like
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.