Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?