Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The Struggle
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.