*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
58.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about