Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous