Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs