There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
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Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.