[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish