vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party