“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
You Might Also Like
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.