Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
is it earth
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.