two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes