My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
oh shit
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)