You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no