Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
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Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Raisins are grape jerky.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.