How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
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I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
the three genders
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all