My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
fixed it
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that