My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
a badder mouse
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.