The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
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Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
he chose this
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?